Most common topics of inquiry about human nature are sex, love or idealism. No doubt sex is the instinct on which multiplication and universal creation is established by nature. It is observed that excessive sexual interaction leads to reduction of love sentiments in a couple. Therefore, every living being goes through this process despite cultural restrictions and punishments. No one is an angel (even prophets have marital affairs), but those who claim purity either have some clinical abnormalities, lack of chances for expression, or inability to meet their needs. Only certain strong disciplined individuals can divert this instinct toward sports, creative and competitive activities.
Unfortunately, in a society where media, internet or cell phone facilities have obstructed the restrictions and taboos, increasing number of sexual derailment cases are emerging in teenagers. Besides the increase in suicidal, homicidal, psycho-social and somatic ailments, the social structure and marital life will become the biggest issue of this century. Social media has cut down the cultural barriers against the international flow of sexual provocations and physical harassment. Western capitalist, liberal and self-centered model based on temporary relief of id impulses lacks family bonds, which is why single and divorced families are common.
A possible simple solution is to provide healthy sexual education and the fundamental right to marry under mutual choice with a legal bond after steady employment at the completion of teenage period. Otherwise, late marriage, the race for status or wealth by both the genders, and parental holds on marriage decisions will be unable to block the free communication sources. It will corrupt society by leading to extremity in social behavior, or damaging the established socio-religious institutions and family system. Although the religious and social institutions promote for a strong marital bond, but a family arranged love marriage is more stable than any other family relationship.
Human nature about love and aggression is very complicated. By gender where male is physical dominates, there female is rich in emotional domain. Cultural bonds turn a female to hold deep emotions and passions against the desired one. Although the eastern culture promotes the trend of female dual personality but society advances to support such women as a weak gender.
Psychologically, certain females with dual personality pattern, sharp minded play with the male feelings to such an extent that the innocent males are trapped under sexual harassment. Mostly when a female is fascinated by a charismatic person but fails to gain control, then the stored aggression is charged to defame the desired one. Political and business community is enriched with such scandals where social media plays an exaggerated role in spreading rumors. In fact, mostly the simple one is easily trapped by the clever one who knows the art of manipulation and fabrication. Resultantly, revenge under aggression is the other extreme form of negative attention seeking behavior to be loved.
GENDER DISCRIMINATION, BIRTH ORDER AND TOTAL CHILDREN HAVE IMPACT ON THE CHILD’S SELF-CONCEPT & PERSONALITY DEVELOPMENT
(A wide subject presented with general findings)
Although it seems an ordinary and even outdated issue, it is the most common issue clinically in the generations. It sets foundations in the childhood and remains influential in teenage, educational/professional goals, marriage, job selection and life’s main decisions.
The law of nature is based on the multiplication process among the male-female; otherwise, it is an abnormal trend in the species. Having children, being childless, or having children with specific gender is not within the choice of a married couple as no one is born with a free choice with a gender, I.Q., color, physical features or bio-chemistry within a certain clan or environment. The male parent, particularly in a male-dominating society, prefers a male child, for which he has fights, divorces his spouse, or keeps on adding children till the desired gender. It is noted that those couple who have all sons, give discriminatory attention to daughters-in-law whereas those having plenty of girls, pay special attention to sons-in-law as a family’s security measures.
Although Islam has quoted golden balanced rules in the Qur’an about women in the family system (Surah Al- Baqra, Al-Nissa, Al-Ahzab. Al-Talaq & Al-Noor), people read it without comprehension to practice and apply in life. Actually, ego and cultural values prevail over the said principles of life. In middle-class, male- dominant families, a female child is taken as a burden and trained as a second-class citizen serving people in her life. The potentials and normal personality developmental process is damaged with repression and titling her as the weak sex. Through media awareness either these girls end life as single professionals with fears of husband’s domination or appease the men in body exposures. Those who retaliate to gain deprived psychological needs (love, respect, security, belongingness) become models for a glamorous short career or pass life with an enchanting hero/boyfriend through cell phone communication, then are either abused or killed by family males under the name of family honor.
Irrespective of poor or rich families when children are neglected and are not given facilitating environment to grow with confidence, at times, they confront sexual abusive situations, or being labelled as a vagabond in a sensitive age has a worse impact on their thinking process and personality pattern. If it is not resolved, they may become a socially criminal minded, borderline or aggressive personality.
Psychologically, a newly born baby has no name but is given a title, with which he identifies himself when called in a group. In the same way, the child develops his self-concept as positive or negative, which develops as significant to give him a self-image. Besides gender and the birth order of a child, the personality trend or self-concept of a baby, mostly a first child, is that of a preferred one, like the king in a family kingdom. So, when he is over-protected and ignores disciplinary measures, he turns into a spoiled prince of the home kingdom and retaliates at the entry of the second sibling. Mostly such children become lazy, aggressive, corrupt and manipulators. The second child has to confront the situation and has to keep fighting for his rights in some uncomfortable circumstances. They may become argumentative, tactful and dominating in life as he may turn to violence to handle challenges. The last child remains like a yes man, is supported and develops a dependent and passive personality. He is taken as weak throughout his life like the baby of the clan, even after marriage with children.
When both the parents are over-busy in job or social activities and the child is ignored, he appears to in a state of psychological orphan (left back, alone, insecure or rejected), gradually withdraws within self and develops a negative self-concept. Although parents try to compensate with toys, clothes and gifts, they cannot be substitutes. Such children become preys or use their energy in negative attention-seeking activities.
A home’s polluted environment pollutes the growing mind. Parents’ fights scare the child, who looks for other peace-inducing people and place. Some run away to seek a parent substitute and find partners like parental figures; other refuse to carry on, scared at the repetition of the same consequences as found in their family.
Often a married couple facing poverty, limited resources, and no hobbies to pass leisure time, indulges in sex and adds yearly to the number of children, having to invest the limited money on dozens of children which would have been invested fully on a few. Producing children is a hard task for a mother but to make them successful takes far more time and energy in a complicated environment. Mostly the children are ignored and seek satisfaction in their neighborhood families, surroundings or peers. Studies indicates that in a normal family unit with three children turn to be a triangle unit in siblings as they provide emotional support to each other if parent provide them balanced psych-physical needs accordingly. If they are not interacted properly, they follow contradictory role models of the family standards like the son of prophet Nuh; the prophet had limited time for his own family but invested his life in preaching and welfare activities for his nation and community. In rearing practices of the clan, there are dual and discriminatory treatments. The preferred child is given VIP treatment over the other and the psychological as well as physiological needs are provided with variant standards, leading to a deep impact on personality traits and self-concept in intra-cultural communication.
It is important to note that female children who later play the sensitive and crucial role of a mother are mostly ignored in grooming practice need special training, respect with personality integration as they turn to be the future mothers who set the personality pattern of coming generation. Islam has warned about its importance in Al- Luqman V- 14, “And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination.”
Moreover, parents, mostly out of love, go beyond a child’s limitations and want to make him a super star at an early stage. In this respect, the self-correction is different from self-negation or creating inferiority complex in the young ones. Psychologically, they wish to get their un-accomplished dreams of life fulfilled in their young ones. So, over-advising and over-loading with information induces more harm than benefit. It is like putting a burden of fifteen pounds when a meek child is capable of holding eight pounds, so he is damaged and next time won’t be able to so according to his natural capacity.
When parents have plenty of children but poor mutual understanding, they mostly play the blame game to handle their ignored children, and have an outlet of their aggression on the children without creating understanding in them for strict punishment. At times, over-correction, high expectations with strict punishment and without logical programming of a child’s mentality, lead to the child’s abandoning of the home and becoming a tool of extremist, anti-social people. Moreover, this leads to a negative self-concept which leads to poor self-confidence. Psychologically, self-criticism is the worst type of self-punishment, where a person strips his own life to please other people in confronting life challenges. Clinically, clients with inferiority complexes induced by family heads pay a big price for the mental sufferings and easily give up initiating new goals.
In fact, a healthy, normally-born child is not born with personality impoverishment/complexes or a broken life computer. Rather it is the sex discrimination, birth order or number of children within a family’s social-cultural and economic status that sets the scale of the personality development and self-concept to handle the crises in life with or without parental support. It is not the fault of the child to have a complexed life; it is the parents’ social, environment and psychological deprivations which crush the innocent child with sufferings and turmoil. Clinically speaking, various personality abnormalities like a dependent, passive or aggressive, narcissist, introvert or extrovert, borderline personality, and various neurotic trends like hysteria, obsession-compulsion, phobias, anxiety, neurasthenia, suicidal ideation, depression, etc., all are the result of the abnormal treatment of the family heads and influential social-cultural and religious models which set the bases of all these complexes in life.
Despite all narrated factors which have negative impact on children, in Islam retrospection is a base for self-correction, so it is recommended in Bani Israel V-23-25,” And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honor. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small." Your Lord knows best what is in your inner-selves. If you are righteous, then, verily, He is Ever Most Forgiving to those who turn unto Him again and again in obedience, and in repentance.”
(Cont'd in the Book)
In fact, a child after living in the warmth and belongingness of a mother, is born in the world scared and remains in search of these feelings to grow in peace and security. So, love or to be loved is the deeply human needs and related humanistic factors in the life process for a balanced self-actualization. The lack of these sentiments generates the negative impact on a suffering person throughout life.
Clinical findings confirm the positive and negative impact in human culture and concerned love units. It has various formats and challenges in each human life. A balanced love has positive impact on passing a soothing life whereas in extreme love, such as self-love leading to narcissist attitudes, which people spend billions on fashion, make-up and social attraction. In extreme love for children a person loves to gain the best beyond means leading to corruption or craze for wealth; love based on self-insecurity, leading to hoarding by fair and foul means, is also the impact of early life conditioning when a child seeks satisfaction in food as a source and substitute of parental love based on attention-seeking mechanism for overcoming inner insecurity. One should locate the sources and its limitations where rich become poor and poor suddenly turned millionaires
Love for children, wealth, beloved, or any sentimental form like patriotism, religious devotion, etc., is a part of human nature. At times children strengthen the weak bonds in a marital unit. Those parent overconcerned about children’s sickness, career, mental derailment and physical limitations in spite of all effort cannot change the set mechanism, merely providing sources but ultimate control is in the hand of Creator.
The most important daily adult issue is love affairs, romance and sexual satisfaction. Extreme love for opposite sex based on repressed id impulses lead to sexual assaults; adultery is the result of condoning and built in revenge for the targeted person as an outlet of early life deprivations, modeling, and ego-satisfaction. An extreme ideal love is based on unconscious models to regain in practical form of a romantic outlet, with the desired past mental picture. It is found that misuse of love feelings in romantic teenage by the role playing of a heroic figure as desired model, abused takes place by the crooked dominant gender in love affairs and decision-making process. In the adults, abusing love sentiment is a common human feature based on emotional and personality impoverishment.
People vary in human concepts of a pure love and artificial love, playing with love sentiments as the weakness of a person. Speedily getting involved in love affairs is a sign of emotional immaturity to lose the self-discipline and make responses under influence which at time leads to dire consequences in such romantic affairs. In such process, sexual satisfaction is the outlet of love and mutual understanding in a marital unit but merely physical unification without mental understanding of emotional signals and equal frequency leads to emotional complications.
Depth of love between a pair depends on the individual case history and personality factors which influence each other in a certain environment. No doubt it takes two to make a row and love begets love, gradually meetings and association turn into love affairs and romance, in which courtship leads to a marriage bond. The cultural values, ethical and moral roles, family understanding and its settings, privacy between the couple and freedom in making life situation are key in creating deep understanding in intensity and durability of love.
In the process of love where the lover is being overwhelmed emotionally and physically, he loses endurance in the struggling process without a hold on the beloved’s psyche or health.
As far as logical foundation of love is concerned as a human need, one explores to share feelings under security, respect and mutual trust as love begets love under law of frequency and association on a common cause and goals. The clinical basis and discrimination between blind love or rational love is based on the spell of love and self-identity in mutual exploration of these sentiments on a rational feedback. As already stated, it takes two to make a row on common grounds of habits, preferences and goals of life like children, values, hobbies, social and recreative activities which strengthen such a bond after marriage and practical life.
The main base is the differences between empathy and sympathy during the love process. A blind love by killing one’s identity is foolishness as each Ruh has its own limitation programmed by nature. One cannot change the fate of another Ruh irrespective of love. The main issue is losing self-awareness and indulging in active fantasies at the peak of crisis. In short, do not be over-whelmed by passions under flow of sympathy rather have empathy and reasoning in a systematic approach toward a set-goal.
The beloved has his own Ruh and psyche pattern, she may be impressed or not and how much variation take place within a Ruh is not in one’s control. Even those who kill or commit suicide in love with the loss of beloved one, just have self-induced sufferings. If he had used senses, awareness, systematic and goal-directed activities on rational scale, he may have more chances of achievement instead of crying, dreaming, and looking for miracles without an analytical, data-based practical approach to a situation.
In short, it is within one’s own mental jurisdiction to be caught in love or to be rational, have empathy or remain individual and objective in reasoning to move toward a desired love or object and not to waste life in active fantasies, losing freshness, and sharp-mindedness.
One must study a good book on achieving and human potentials toward finding a destination before tackling such situations as rational human beings. No doubt, where there is a will, there is a way and slow and steady wins the race by hitting the iron when it’s hot and do not waste energy in fool’s paradise, nature rewards according to struggle in a practical set situation.
Basic Law of Nature is that “Excess of everything is bad”. Normality and abnormality of an individual is based on this principle.
In human life, love or to be loved has a strange chemistry, depending on a concerned unit. Some just get lost in the first glimpse of the beloved, while others, over period of time under law of association, develop a deep bond. In certain cases, there is a one-sided love story in a unique situation. On the other hand, are mutual love-affairs based on understanding due to equal level mental frequency which turn into a deep bond even up to a state of telepathy. In the teenage in a free-style life with opportunity of drugs and co-education, the teenager gets involved in sex-experimentation leading to teen-age pregnancy and multiple physical diseases. Lack of accurate information and peer pressure makes a love-affair into unpleasant experiences in the youth.
Among love bonds, there are some extreme spells based on physical attraction or a stylish persona which subside with passage of time when sexual starvation reaches the peak of saturation; then fights and criticism of each other’s neglected personality traits make them rivals over character doubts. The relationship based on observation and sincere communication and checked by a third party like friends or parents on factual analysis of a marital bond mostly turn to be stable as under crisis these human bonds resolve individual issues in daily life issue. Qur’an has warned in this respect that Allah is well-aware of human practical life affairs that He revealed 1,440 years ago how to meet responsibility in sexual needs in marital affairs. For the present life abroad, guidance is provided about food or marital affairs in V-5:5,” Made lawful to you this day are At-Tayyibat [all kinds of Halal (lawful) foods, which Allah has made lawful (meat of slaughtered eatable animals, etc., milk products, fats, vegetables and fruits, etc.). The food (slaughtered cattle, eatable animals, etc.) of the people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians) is lawful to you and yours is lawful to them. (Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time, when you have given their due Mahr (bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girl-friends. And whosoever disbelieves in the Oneness of Allah and in all the other Articles of Faith [i.e. His (Allah's), Angels, His Holy Books, His Messengers, the Day of Resurrection and Al-Qadar (Divine Preordainments)], then fruitless is his work, and in the Hereafter, he will be among the losers.”
Those who come under influence of extreme love at a glance by both the parties, appear to be based on meeting the unconscious picture of the ideal which may be a result of unconscious stored loving personality based on the parents, siblings, friends or family members. Due to the combination of facial expression, habits, physique, tone, gestures, etc., one is searching for and all at once one perceives the inner personality sketch right before him, it turns out to be an unconscious beloved. In other words, one is over-whelmed by loving one’s own built-in gestalt. It appears that such lover-beloved psyche patterns are based on same level of mental frequency, recognizing and appreciating with sincerity and devotion without any personal discrimination, recharging each other’s devotion and facing challenges as a single unit in life affairs. Such romantic feelings have the least id impulses or lust to rule over the partner; rather it becomes a helping tool for unification at any cost by disposing of own entity for the sake of the beloved. Most of the folk stories based on cultural myths and sincere sex-free narrations are based on such love.
The sentiment of love in action or in fantasy are so common and powerful that poetry, novels, romantic films, ever-lasting melody or tragedy folk songs are obvious in daily life. In this regard, the dominant gender pushes the dependent partner where abrupt reactions on social media and internet chatting has led to the worst consequences. Suicidal and homicidal attempts or rivalry between parents or clans is a common phenomenon in underdeveloped cultures where women are killed or raped under enmity.
It is worth understanding about those persons who, under the influence of love, kill precious moment in torching the self for the sake of beloved. The beloved is a self-creation, so it seems foolishness to punish one’s self for another one (beloved) who has its own individuality. Often the beloved, in one-sided love affair, is quite unaware of the other’s psychic pain, enjoying life and moving on with life. Instead of realistic rational approach to achieve the desired target (beloved), wasting energy and time, he ends in active fantasies or abnormality as blocked energy is converted into sadistic and suicidal ideation. In fact, one must clinically locate the origin of desired love which is within one’s own past history. So, it means one must locate the missing needs to have self-love, self-respect and self-belonging, for which the lover gives undue meanings to another person (beloved). Logically if one is not mentally present, then how will he perceive another’s worth as valuable to him?
An overcrowded mind with long and detailed empty plans is common in over-crowded ghetto areas. Unnecessary concern about world issues or catastrophes is also a big issue in developing and semi-educated environment as it is based on philosophies and model of outdated family intelligentsia. The Creator has already established a system for each living beings about the provisions in life. It is reminded in V-11:6,” And no (moving) living creature is there on earth but its provision is due from Allah. And He knows its dwelling place and its deposit (in the uterus, grave, etc.). all is in a Clear Book (Al-Lauh Al-Mahfuz - the Book of Decrees with Allah).”
So, passing life with a smile and have pleasant thinking is an art of life. No doubt, each individual’s life-span will be complete even if one may be crying, yelling, crushing others or oneself for nothing. Therefore, one must enjoy life and share pleasant feelings as love begets love. Each person has a free choice and it is up to him to decide his life pattern and surroundings as hell or paradise.
(Cont'd in the Book)